I HATE THEM

I HATE THEM BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH THEY NEED ME

THE EMOTIONS THEY STIR INSIDE ME
THE PAIN THEY HAVE CAUSED ME
THE TEARS I HAVE CRIED FOR THEM
THE LOVE I HAVE FOR THEM
MY FUTURE TO ALWAYS BE INDEBTED TO THEM
THE ANGUISH I FEEL WHEN I DENY MYSELF ESCAPE FROM THEM
THE NEED TO LISTEN TO THEM
THE DESPERATION... I RETREAT TO..MY SORROW..GUILT..

thoughts

I wonder how much control I have over my life:

1. The things that go wrong

2. The things that seem right

3. What I believe love is supposed to be

4. Everything including even my will to breath

5. How I connect with someone

I'm running around in this circle

Instead of making one distinct right or left turn I just keep reeling around in the safe little circle where things are certain to stay the same

But not the same as in never changing but the same meaning that the same problems keep occurring

what is FATE? I can not believe that everything I do no matter how I change or alter my path that the same out come will occur because if that is true what is there to work for why even bother to breathe or exist

For what?

Cheap thrills family holidays marriage lust and love

Is it a test with someone superior or smarter than me watching and deciding if I have what it takes to each a finish line and if I don’t make it what becomes of me and the ppl left behind

Why not just give up now if I am destined to live this life and its events whether I want it or not that change is impossible and non existent in the end what id there to work forward to

Fate is a force, principle or power that predetermines events, as well as the inevitable events predestined by this force

But what about those destined to fail

or as I see it give up now because every choice you make no matter how much they differ will lead you to the same end


so what in the point of using my brain to even think of which choice to make when no matter what I choose no matter what path I take they all lead to the same end that is basically already decided for me

That’s not a life

That is a script a book a play an opera

But who is the audience?

hide and seek

And what of this
a new style
a new name
a new friend
the past in the one thing you can not escape
a new home
a new life
a new job
how can you escape from yourself
a new person
can you make yourself stronger by completely distorting the old you
i will find you and so will your ghosts
i will....

continue these actions till the end

If these actions will be the end of me then so be it I will not apologize for them I will revel in the consequences of them, as if I know what is to come. This night and these actions are not who I am, but truly who I want to be: forth coming, honest, aware of my needs and unafraid. My thoughts are my own to spill onto paper so that I can clearly understand how we started this path we now travel.

I wake up a little discomfited of my actions just two nights before I woke up to someone else. I understand that arrangement is to be there in his time of need, but what is this? This is different I feel it and in this moment I don’t want to run. I can’t I still don’t have my car and even so where will I go when I truly want to be here. Here we are squeezed together on this couch I think I can feel your heart beating. This is the part where you ask me to leave right? I mean really I wasn’t even supposed to stay the night. I am going to lay here and unwind last night was extreme. What’s going to happen now?

I slept so well it’s amazing not once did I wake up wondering how I could vanish. Now we are here in the daylight, I can feel it on my face warm and soothing with nowhere to hide, I won’t be the first to speak and I swear I won’t. I don’t feel any different than any other day, although; I thought I would at least feel more liberated. Liberated enough to speak I mean just a few hours ago I could say everything on my mind without feeling at fault and now I dare myself to speak. This style is ME the old me that I wanted to escape from. If I could be that new person last night what is stopping me now? Damn! I hate thinking because in most cases I still end up confused and what does that really say about me? Also, why do I keep thinking? It’s honestly not working out as I want it to. Fine it settled I will enter every conversation, every situation and everything else without thought! Is this really who I am? Is this really where I am headed in? In this direction and at this pace moving at what felt to be the speed of light? I’m still waiting for the clouds to part and condemn me for feeling an ounce of passion with no regret. An ounce of happiness without ducking for cover because this is just isn’t what I deserve. I know what is going to happen and he does too. He knows that my feelings will not stay neutral and that my fall will be for him.

One Night Stand

OK it is ..2 am.. and I'm am blogging........My mind is clear and I'm focused. I know what I want to say and I know how I want to say it.....FULL OF DOUBT I AM. Personally, I think that I've missed the point! He speaks so clear and slow, but I start to fade. I am thinking of how to avoid the conversation that is already taking place. I fear myself, my body and mind because it’s not perfect and what if I give my all and fail?? Its ok….. I think, this is just a game he is just a man and I don’t have anything to worry about. I just want to laugh it all away, but not at this moment. He is serious. He is bold. He is ready. His voice is soft yet strong and filled with emotion. Someone save me from this night I can’t hear anymore of this. I will defend myself by running away, yes I am fragile and apprehensive of the future, but who isn’t I am just tattered enough to admit it. I’ll tell you why, but I don’t know….maybe it’s an excuse to do, say and ignore as I choose. Forget it I won’t even go there.

His words still fall from his lips and I still look for my escape. I will not give in, I will not feel this emotion and I will not love you.

WAIT! His touch, warm to my skin and I can feel him everywhere he has weakened me. What does my body say to him? If I move will he follow? Will he stop at nothing to hear me moan and ask for more? Will I give in?? I will admit that I want him in every way there is to have him. I want to touch him, I want to taste him and I want to love him. I told you I was WEAK….Stop! What the fuck am I doing here? I am falling and I will not get up from this place I am stuck HERE…..I don’t have my car. “Yes I will lay beside you.” I mutter in disbelief. His body is tight, hot and what is the word I am looking for?? It’s the word you use when you feel what you see….Wait wait wait wait that makes no sense. Ok just skip it, shit I’m rambling. I will be honest in a way I am a virgin to this; this night of a chance encounter and sexual experience number 4.

I don’t know you, but I want you inside me!! FUCK!!! My honesty scares me!! I can’t be honest with myself because when I am, I do the things I would truly never do. I wouldn’t do this, say that or even be here at ..2 am.. spilling myself into your lap!!! Yes Yes I would and I would take you in every imaginable way!! This is the truth and these are my thoughts as true as my mind will let them be.

You don’t know me!! Will you speak of me to other people when they ask about your life?? Will we even know each other tomorrow or will it be a simple understanding between you and I of the basic needs of human beings to feel pleasure and excitement?! You need her and she is gone but I am here and that’s all it is nothing more! The other one didn’t show up but I did, even you thought I wouldn’t. We need each other in this way to alleviate the symptoms of loneliness.

OK this is it were going to do it I wont ask again and I wont tell you its OK. I see in your eyes that you’re not sure. Why I am so OK with this and you are not? You’re a man it shouldn’t matter that we don’t know each other and that tomorrow I will leave and you will never see me again these should be my thoughts, not yours. Stop stalling and fuck me! See!!!! This honesty is now something I can not control these words plunge from my mouth and I wont stop. I WONT STOP YOU! I am yours for this night and this night alone. When it’s done will I feel different?? Earlier while I searched for an escape from your words I did catch something. Now, what was it you said?? “You will fall in love with me, there is something about my mysterious nature women love that.” spoken in true and full belief. These are my thoughts as you’re inside me. Why? I’ll let go and enjoy this. I feel things and these feelings are new. The deeper you go the more I let go. I’m letting go of all I was warned about with nothing to protect me from you. No, the protection I need is from me and this new life I want to live. Fearless I am. Weak I am. Alone I will not be. I won’t finish night I will not let myself, not for awhile. I spread my legs and relax feeling every bit of happiness and freedom you award me. This freedom I search for is there between your legs and that same thing will be my prison soon enough. This night has been amazing and sexually satisfying, but it won’t last past ..6 am... I am so tired now that I drift away no more thoughts; although I wonder how this will end. Don’t you?